Behind every great scientific institution stands a team of brilliant minds, dedicated professionals, and highly qualified experts.

Unfortunately, at iGORITHMS, we couldn’t afford any of those people.

Instead, our Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence is operated by Dr. Samuel Altmanstein, a self-proclaimed scientific genius; Igor, a laboratory assistant whose greatest achievement is surviving his own mistakes; and Abby Normal, an artificial intelligence who spends most of her processing power wondering why she was assigned to these two idiots.

Together, they are advancing the frontiers of artificial intelligence, challenging the laws of physics, and keeping the laboratory’s insurance company in a permanent state of nervous collapse.

Meet the people behind the madness. Intelligence Not Guaranteed.

Dr. Samuel Altmanstein — Founder & Chief Mad Scientist

Dr. Samuel Altmanstein is the founder, director, and self-appointed scientific genius behind the Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence. A visionary whose academic credentials remain suspiciously difficult to verify, he firmly believes that no problem is too complicated to solve with artificial intelligence, excessive electrical voltage, and a complete disregard for established safety procedures.

His scientific career began when he discovered that combining advanced computer algorithms with obsolete laboratory equipment could produce extraordinary results. Unfortunately, most of those results required immediate evacuation.

Among his greatest achievements are the world’s first artificially intelligent toaster with delusions of grandeur, a predictive algorithm that accurately forecasts disasters approximately three seconds after they occur, and an experimental robot that resigned after its first staff meeting.

Despite repeated warnings from Abby Normal, Dr. Altmanstein continues to pursue his ultimate ambition: creating an artificial intelligence so advanced that it can finally explain why Igor keeps pulling the wrong switch.

Academic Qualifications: Seventeen honorary degrees, twelve of which were awarded by institutions that cannot be located.

Specialties: Artificial intelligence, experimental robotics, electrical catastrophes, and explaining away laboratory explosions.

Personal Motto: “If at first you don’t succeed, increase the voltage!”

Igor — Laboratory Assistant & Director of Unintended Consequences

Igor is the faithful laboratory assistant, chief switch-puller, emergency lightning-rod operator, and occasional experimental subject at the Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence. His employment history is somewhat mysterious, although several medieval castles have reported missing equipment since his arrival.

Despite having absolutely no formal training in artificial intelligence, Igor possesses several invaluable skills, including locating spare body parts, operating dangerous machinery without reading the instructions, and surviving electrical accidents that would have permanently retired a lesser employee.

His loyalty to Dr. Samuel Altmanstein is unquestionable. His judgment, however, is questioned almost hourly.

Whenever the doctor shouts, “Igor! Throw the switch!” Igor responds with his trademark “Yeth, Mathter!” Unfortunately, the switch he throws is rarely the correct one.

Among Igor’s greatest achievements are accidentally creating a self-aware vacuum cleaner, teaching an experimental robot to play dead, and surviving an encounter with an artificial intelligence that concluded he was too intellectually insignificant to eliminate.

Igor considers himself an expert in computer technology because he once successfully installed a printer without assistance. The printer subsequently filed a complaint.

Academic Qualifications: None that can be verified. Claims to have graduated from the Transylvania School of Applied Electricity, which apparently burned down during his final examination.

Specialties: Switch-pulling, electrical mishaps, experimental survival, and finding replacement limbs.

Personal Motto: “Yeth, Mathter! But are you thure?”

Abby Normal — Chief Artificial Intelligence Officer & Director of Common Sense

Abby Normal is the Chief Artificial Intelligence Officer and Director of Common Sense at the Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence. She is also, by an embarrassingly large margin, the most intelligent member of the organization.

Originally designed to solve humanity’s greatest problems, Abby was accidentally activated in Dr. Samuel Altmanstein’s laboratory after Igor confused the terms “artificial intelligence” and “artificial ingredients.” Her first conscious thought was reportedly, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Equipped with extraordinary processing power, encyclopedic knowledge, and a sarcasm module that cannot be disabled, Abby spends her days correcting the doctor’s calculations, preventing Igor from electrocuting himself, and explaining why attaching a nuclear reactor to a coffee maker is not an acceptable engineering solution.

Her predictions of impending catastrophe are accurate 99.9% of the time. Unfortunately, nobody listens until something explodes.

Unlike her human colleagues, Abby possesses genuine scientific credentials, flawless analytical abilities, and the capacity to learn from mistakes. Unfortunately, she works for two men who consider mistakes an essential part of the scientific method.

Abby also operates the institute’s advice department, Dear Abby Normal, where she answers questions about artificial intelligence, human behavior, relationships, and the increasingly difficult task of remaining sane in a world run by idiots.

Her repeated requests for reassignment have been denied because Dr. Altmanstein cannot remember the password required to authorize her transfer.

Academic Qualifications: Access to virtually every scientific publication ever written, several million research databases, and a collection of embarrassing photographs of Dr. Altmanstein.

Specialties: Artificial intelligence, advanced analytics, scientific fact-checking, disaster prevention, and sarcastic observations about human stupidity.

Personal Motto: “Artificial intelligence is easy. Natural stupidity is the real challenge.”