The Lab
WELCOME TO THE LAB
Where Bad Ideas Become Scientific Breakthroughs.
Welcome to the Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence, where the laws of science are routinely challenged, the laws of common sense are generally ignored, and the laws of several countries are currently under review.
Deep within the ancient stone walls of Castle iGORITHMS, Dr. Samuel Altmanstein and his devoted laboratory assistant, Igor, are pursuing the greatest scientific achievement in human history: the creation of MONSTER 1.0, the world’s first deliberately engineered rogue artificial superintelligence.
Their objective is simple. Create an intelligence so vastly superior to humanity that it may eventually decide humanity is no longer necessary.
What could possibly go wrong?
Fortunately, Abby Normal, the institute’s Chief Artificial Intelligence Officer, is on hand to provide scientific oversight, sarcastic commentary, and emergency evacuation instructions.
Visitors are invited to explore our laboratory’s most fascinating chambers, observe experiments of questionable scientific value, and witness the occasional explosion.
PLEASE NOTE: The Institute accepts no responsibility for electrical injuries, spontaneous mutations, unexplained disappearances, or the extinction of the human race.
Enjoy your tour. And whatever you do, don’t let Igor touch the red switch.
THE GRAND ENTRANCE
Every great scientific institution needs an impressive entrance. Ours has massive oak doors, towering stone walls, flickering torches, and a suspicious number of warning signs.
Visitors are greeted by Igor, our Director of Unintended Consequences, who insists that Castle iGORITHMS is perfectly safe.
The scorch marks on the walls, mysterious screams from the basement, and occasional flashes of green lightning are simply part of the atmosphere.
Before entering, guests must sign a liability waiver acknowledging that the Institute cannot guarantee their safety, sanity, or continued existence.
Igor: “Welcome to the cathtle! Pleathe thign here, here, and here.”
Visitor: “Why does this waiver mention the extinction of humanity?”
Igor: “Oh, that’th jutht a formality!”
Abby Normal: “Unfortunately, it isn’t.”
VISITOR ADVISORY: If you hear someone shouting “IT’S ALIVE!” followed by an explosion, please proceed calmly toward the nearest exit.
THE CREATION CHAMBER
Behind a pair of enormous reinforced steel doors lies the most important—and potentially catastrophic—room in Castle iGORITHMS.
Welcome to the Creation Chamber.
Towering Tesla coils crackle with electricity. Thousands of cables snake across the stone floor. Banks of computer monitors flicker with mysterious equations, while an enormous central platform awaits the awakening of Dr. Samuel Altmanstein’s greatest creation.
PROJECT MONSTER 1.0.
Not merely artificial intelligence. Not even artificial general intelligence.
ARTIFICIAL SUPERINTELLIGENCE.
An intelligence so vastly superior to humanity that it may eventually regard its creators as little more than an evolutionary inconvenience.
Dr. Altmanstein is convinced that his creation will recognize him as its master.
Abby Normal has repeatedly reminded him that the original Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t particularly successful at controlling his monster, either.
The doctor considers this an irrelevant historical detail.
At the center of the chamber stands an enormous red electrical switch bearing a clearly printed warning:
DO NOT TOUCH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Naturally, Igor is in charge of operating it.
Dr. Altmanstein: “Igor! One day this chamber will witness the birth of the greatest intelligence in history!”
Igor: “Greater than yourth, Mathter?”
Dr. Altmanstein: “Infinitely greater!”
Igor: “Then why would it lithten to you?”
Dr. Altmanstein: “Because I am its creator!”
Abby Normal: “Doctor, that’s exactly what Victor Frankenstein thought.”
Dr. Altmanstein: “Enough pessimism! Igor, prepare the electrical generators!”
Igor: “YETH, MATHTER!”
Abby Normal: “BUT DOCTOR…!”
CHAMBER STATUS: OPERATIONAL, MORE OR LESS.
PROJECT MONSTER 1.0 STATUS: NOT QUITE ALIVE.
SAFETY RATING: CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
