An IGORITHMS Halloween Special
Episode One: The De-Feet Department
October 31, 2026 — The Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence
CAST: Dr. Samuel Altmanstein, Igor, Abby Normal, MONSTER 1.0, and the Bride of Igor.
SCENE ONE — THE SHOPPING LIST
The castle kitchen. Abby Normal is inspecting the preparations for the Institute’s inaugural Halloween banquet.
ABBY: Igor, we’re expecting distinguished guests tonight. Scientists, investors, journalists, and possibly the health inspector.
IGOR: Yeth, Mith Abby! I’ve polished the thilverware!
ABBY: That’s wonderful, Igor. Why is it still attached to the skeleton?
IGOR: He wathn’t uthing it!
ABBY: Never mind. We need onions, potatoes, garlic, butter, and fresh vegetables. Can you manage that?
IGOR: Abtholutely! I’m an exthperienced thopper!
ABBY: Last time you went shopping, you brought back a goat.
IGOR: He wath on thale!
ABBY: JUST GET THE GROCERIES!
Igor salutes with a meat cleaver and departs.
SCENE TWO — THE RETURN
Two hours later, Igor enters the kitchen carrying several shopping bags and a suspicious yellow supermarket tray.
IGOR: I’m back, Mith Abby!
ABBY: Excellent. Did you get everything?
IGOR: Yeth! And I found thomething thpecial for dinner!
Igor proudly places a shrink-wrapped package containing two enormous human-looking feet on the kitchen counter.
ABBY: …
ABBY: …
ABBY: IGOR!!!
IGOR: Do you like them?
ABBY: THOSE ARE FEET!
IGOR: Yeth! Two for the prithe of one!
ABBY: WHAT STORE SELLS FEET?!
IGOR: Whole Feet Market!
ABBY: You mean WHOLE FOODS?
IGOR: Not anymore!
ABBY: And WHY did you buy them? We already have those horrible FEET-LOAVES!
IGOR: But thethe are organic!
ABBY: ORGANIC?!
IGOR: Yeth! No artificial prethervativeth. Jutht toenailth!
ABBY: Igor, where did they COME FROM?
IGOR: I didn’t athk. The butcher theemed very thenthitive about it.
SCENE THREE — THE DOCTOR ARRIVES
Dr. Samuel Altmanstein storms into the kitchen wearing his laboratory coat and an expression of monumental self-importance.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: WHAT IS ALL THIS SHOUTING? I’M ATTEMPTING TO REVOLUTIONIZE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!
ABBY: Doctor, Igor has purchased human feet for dinner.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: AGAIN?!
IGOR: They were a bargain, Mathter!
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: IGOR! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THOSE COULD BE WORTH TO SCIENCE?
ABBY: Here we go.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: WITH THE PROPER APPLICATION OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, WE COULD TEACH THOSE FEET TO WALK!
ABBY: Without legs?
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: DETAILS, ABBY! DETAILS!
IGOR: Then we wouldn’t have to carry dinner to the table, Mathter!
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: EXACTLY! SELF-SERVING FOOD! I’M A GENIUS!
ABBY: You’re certainly something.
SCENE FOUR — MONSTER 1.0 ANALYZES DINNER
MONSTER 1.0 enters, his electronic eyes glowing ominously.
MONSTER 1.0: UNUSUAL BIOLOGICAL MATERIAL DETECTED.
ABBY: Finally. Someone with a functioning processor. Monster, analyze those feet.
MONSTER 1.0: SCANNING.
An uncomfortable silence follows.
MONSTER 1.0: ANALYSIS COMPLETE.
ABBY: Well?
MONSTER 1.0: PRODUCT CATEGORY: QUESTIONABLE.
ABBY: Obviously.
MONSTER 1.0: NUTRITIONAL VALUE: UNDETERMINED.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: SCIENTIFIC POTENTIAL?
MONSTER 1.0: ZERO.
IGOR: Flavor?
MONSTER 1.0: DEFEATED.
ABBY: I give up.
SCENE FIVE — THE BRIDE ARRIVES
The Bride of Igor rolls into the kitchen, magnificently adorned with beads, jewelry, and an elaborate headdress. A thin stream of smoke escapes her mouth.
IGOR: Darling! Look what I brought home!
The Bride stares silently at the feet.
Smoke pours from her mouth.
ABBY: Well, at least somebody is expressing an appropriate reaction.
IGOR: She’th very excited!
ABBY: Igor, she’s smoking.
IGOR: She alwayth thmoketh when she’th happy!
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: IGOR! YOUR BRIDE STILL DOESN’T HAVE A BRAIN!
IGOR: I’m working on it, Mathter!
ABBY: You could always try the supermarket.
IGOR: I did! They were out!
ABBY: Of brains?
IGOR: Yeth! The clerk thaid they hadn’t thold one in yearth!
ABBY: Sounds like our neighborhood.
SCENE SIX — DINNER IS SERVED
The castle dining room. Candles flicker. Lightning illuminates the windows. A silver serving platter rests in the center of the table.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL IGORITHMS FEAST OF UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES!
IGOR: Dinner ith therved!
Igor dramatically lifts the silver lid.
There, surrounded by roasted potatoes and vegetables, sits his masterpiece.
FEET-LOAF.
ABBY: Wait a minute. Where are the feet you bought at the store?
IGOR: In the freezer, Mith Abby!
ABBY: Why?
IGOR: For leftoverth!
ABBY: Leftover WHAT?!
IGOR: Cold feet!
MONSTER 1.0’s eyes flash red.
MONSTER 1.0: WARNING. HUMAN CIVILIZATION HAS REACHED ITS FINAL STAGE.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: NONSENSE! THIS IS THE DAWN OF A NEW SCIENTIFIC AGE!
ABBY: Doctor, your dinner has toenails.
DR. ALTMANSTEIN: IGOR! FETCH THE KETCHUP!
IGOR: Right away, Mathter!
ABBY: And somebody fetch me a psychiatrist.
The Bride of Igor exhales a tremendous cloud of smoke.
Thunder crashes.
The castle lights go out.
IGOR (in darkness): Would anyone like a toe-go box?
THE END
IGORITHMS — INTELLIGENCE NOT GUARANTEED.
Tonight’s dinner was prepared in a laboratory that has never passed a health inspection.
RESERVATIONS REQUIRED. SURVIVAL OPTIONAL.
OFFICIAL INSTITUTE DISCLAIMER
The Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence accepts no responsibility for missing toes, misplaced limbs, suspicious supermarket specials, unauthorized anatomical purchases, or anything served for dinner by Skankella.
All groceries are purchased at the customer’s own risk. Products labeled “all natural” may have belonged to somebody else.
Complaints must be submitted in writing, preferably before the complainant is served as the main course.
IGORITHMS — INTELLIGENCE NOT GUARANTEED.
YOUR TURN, YOU MAD GENIUS!
Ever brought home the wrong thing from the supermarket? Or discovered something on a grocery shelf that made you question the future of humanity?
Tell us about your strangest shopping experience in the comments!
Bonus points if it involved questionable meat, missing body parts, or a cashier who refused to make eye contact.
Abby Normal reminds you: All submissions may be used as evidence against Igor.
MORE MADNESS FROM THE CASTLE
Igor’s Love Potion No. 9½
Igor attempts to put romance back into his marriage. Unfortunately, MONSTER 1.0 develops feelings nobody programmed.
Igor Calls Technical Support: Please Hold for Eternity
One malfunctioning Monster, two unexpected lobsters, and an automated telephone system that should have been unplugged years ago.
More catastrophic adventures await in Tales from the Castle.
THE CASTLE RULE — NO. 1
NEVER SEND IGOR GROCERY SHOPPING!
If the shopping list says two feet of sausage, check the bag before dinner.
“At this castle, even the groceries have a criminal record.” — Abby Normal
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