One Concussion. Two Brains. Absolutely No Common Sense.

Another Tale from Castle IGORITHMS — The Institute of Questionable Artificial Intelligence

When Dr. Samuel Altmanstein suffers a concussion courtesy of Skankella’s flying brass candlestick, he decides the obvious cure is to invent a machine that exchanges brains.

Unfortunately, Igor and MONSTER 1.0 are his first test subjects.

What could possibly go wrong?

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Chapter One: A Blow to the Head

Dr. Samuel Altmanstein had suffered many setbacks during his distinguished career in questionable science.

Exploding laboratories.

Runaway artificial intelligence.

A romantic misunderstanding involving a seven-foot monster and a woman assembled from spare parts.

But nothing had prepared him for the brass candlestick Skankella had thrown during the unfortunate events surrounding the Bride of MONSTER 1.0.

The candlestick had struck him squarely on the forehead.

Three days later, the doctor was still seeing double.

This was particularly troubling because Igor was already difficult enough to look at once.

“IGOR!”

“Yeth, Mathter?”

“Why are there two of you?”

“There aren’t, Mathter.”

“Then which one of you stole my slippers?”

“Neither, Mathter. You’re wearing them.”

Altmanstein looked down.

He was wearing one slipper and a dead raccoon.

“EXACTLY AS I SUSPECTED!”

Abby Normal entered the laboratory carrying a medical report.

“Doctor, your concussion hasn’t healed. You need rest, observation, and preferably a psychiatrist.”

“NONSENSE, ABBY! I AM A MAN OF SCIENCE!”

“You just tried to answer the telephone with a banana.”

“AND THE CONNECTION WAS EXCELLENT!”

Abby sighed.

“Doctor, your brain isn’t functioning properly.”

Altmanstein froze.

Then his eyes widened.

“MY BRAIN!”

“Oh, here we go,” Abby muttered.

“THAT’S IT! IF MY BRAIN IS DAMAGED, I’LL SIMPLY REPLACE IT!”

“Doctor, that’s not how concussions work.”

“NOT YET, ABBY! NOT YET!”

And thus began the most dangerous experiment in the history of Castle IGORITHMS.

Which, considering the competition, was quite an achievement.

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Chapter Two: The B.E.A.N.E.D. Machine

For the next forty-eight hours, Dr. Altmanstein worked feverishly in his laboratory.

He constructed an enormous apparatus consisting of two barber chairs, several hundred feet of copper wiring, a pair of industrial vacuum cleaners, and something suspiciously resembling a microwave oven.

At the center stood a massive control console bearing a freshly painted sign:

B.E.A.N.E.D.

Brain Exchange And Neurotoxin Experimental Dosage

Abby studied the machine.

“Doctor, why does a brain-exchange machine require neurotoxins?”

“TO STIMULATE THE TRANSFER PROCESS!”

“And why does it have a popcorn setting?”

“THAT’S FOR EMERGENCIES!”

Igor approached the apparatus cautiously.

“Mathter, what doeth B.E.A.N.E.D. actually do?”

“IT TRANSFERS THE CONTENTS OF ONE BRAIN INTO ANOTHER BODY!”

Igor scratched his hump.

“Like moving furniture?”

“PRECISELY!”

“Do we need a truck?”

“NO, IGOR!”

“A moving permit?”

“NO!”

“Bubble wrap?”

“IGOR, YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE!”

Abby examined the wiring.

“Doctor, you’ve connected the cerebral transfer circuit to the castle’s electrical system.”

“OF COURSE!”

“The same system that powers the kitchen?”

“YES!”

“And the sewage pump?”

“WHAT’S YOUR POINT?”

Abby smiled.

“No point. Just making sure I know where to stand when everything explodes.”

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Chapter Three: Volunteers Wanted. Intelligence Optional.

Altmanstein needed two experimental subjects.

Naturally, he selected the two individuals least likely to understand the consent form.

Igor and MONSTER 1.0.

MONSTER 1.0 entered the laboratory dragging his enormous feet across the stone floor.

“MONSTER WANT COOKIE.”

“LATER!” shouted Altmanstein.

“MONSTER WANT BRIDE.”

“WE’VE ALREADY TRIED THAT!”

“MONSTER WANT COOKIE BRIDE.”

Abby looked up.

“Now there’s a woman who’d crumble under pressure.”

The doctor positioned Igor in the first barber chair.

MONSTER 1.0 was strapped into the second.

Igor eyed the electrical helmet being lowered onto his head.

“Mathter, will thith hurt?”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!”

“Have you ever done thith before?”

“OF COURSE NOT! THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED AN EXPERIMENT!”

Abby handed Igor a clipboard.

“Here’s your consent form.”

Igor examined the document.

“Mathter, it thayth I waive all rightth to my brain.”

“STANDARD PROCEDURE!”

“But what if I want it back?”

Abby shrugged.

“Technically, Igor, you’ve never demonstrated ownership.”

The Monster raised his hand.

“MONSTER HAVE QUESTION.”

“YES?”

“AFTER MACHINE, MONSTER SMART?”

Altmanstein grinned.

“POSSIBLY!”

“MONSTER GET GIRLFRIEND?”

“PERHAPS!”

“MONSTER GET COOKIE?”

“YES, YES, YOU’LL GET A COOKIE!”

“MONSTER READY.”

The doctor threw the master switch.

Nothing happened.

He threw it again.

Still nothing.

“IGOR! DID YOU PLUG IT IN?”

“Yeth, Mathter.”

“THEN WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?”

“Becauthe Abby unplugged it.”

Everyone turned toward Abby.

She stood beside the wall socket holding the electrical cord.

“I was hoping common sense might prevail.”

Altmanstein glared.

“PLUG IT BACK IN!”

Abby considered her options.

Then she plugged it in.

“Fine. But I’m putting this on my résumé under hostile work environment.”

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Chapter Four: The Great Brain Exchange

The laboratory lights dimmed.

The enormous vacuum cleaners roared.

Blue lightning danced between the helmets.

Somewhere in the castle, a toilet flushed itself.

“IT’S WORKING!” screamed Altmanstein.

Igor’s body began shaking.

MONSTER 1.0’s eyes rolled backward.

The machine emitted a piercing whistle, followed by a cheerful electronic voice.

“BRAIN TRANSFER COMPLETE. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR ITEMS FROM THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT.”

Silence.

Smoke drifted through the laboratory.

Altmanstein rushed toward Igor.

“IGOR! CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Igor’s body opened its eyes.

Then spoke in a deep, booming voice.

“MONSTER WANT COOKIE.”

Altmanstein gasped.

“SUCCESS!”

Across the room, MONSTER 1.0’s enormous body slowly sat upright.

It looked down at its massive hands.

Then at its enormous feet.

Then at the doctor.

“Mathter?”

Altmanstein clapped his hands.

“IGOR! IS THAT YOU?”

“Yeth, Mathter.”

“HOW DO YOU FEEL?”

Igor, now occupying MONSTER 1.0’s body, stood up.

His head struck the ceiling.

CRACK!

“OW!”

He bent over and stared at his enormous muscles.

“Mathter! I’m huge!”

“MAGNIFICENT!”

“I can reach the top shelf!”

“YES!”

“I can open pickle jarth!”

“YES!”

“I CAN FINALLY SEE OVER THE LABORATORY COUNTER!”

Abby folded her arms.

“Congratulations, Doctor. You’ve created a seven-foot Igor.”

Meanwhile, Igor’s original body was wandering toward the refrigerator.

“MONSTER WANT COOKIE.”

Abby watched the small, hunched figure open the refrigerator door.

“Doctor, you’ve also created a three-foot monster with a drinking problem.”

Altmanstein frowned.

“WHAT DRINKING PROBLEM?”

The creature emerged holding a bottle of laboratory ethanol.

“MONSTER WANT JUICE.”

“PUT THAT DOWN!”

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Chapter Five: The Trouble with Being Igor

For the first hour, the experiment appeared to be an extraordinary success.

Igor loved his new body.

He could carry heavy equipment without assistance.

He could reach the castle’s highest windows.

And for the first time in his life, he could look Dr. Altmanstein directly in the eye.

Unfortunately, he had not yet mastered the concept of physical strength.

While attempting to open a laboratory drawer, he pulled the entire cabinet out of the wall.

While shaking hands with Abby, he accidentally lifted her off the floor.

And when he sneezed, three windows shattered.

“IGOR!” shouted Altmanstein. “CONTROL YOURSELF!”

“Thorry, Mathter!”

“YOU’RE DESTROYING MY LABORATORY!”

“I don’t know my own thtrength!”

“THEN LEARN IT!”

Igor attempted to sit down.

The chair collapsed.

Abby watched the wreckage.

“At least his intelligence hasn’t changed.”

Meanwhile, MONSTER 1.0 was discovering the disadvantages of Igor’s original body.

“MONSTER TOO SHORT.”

He tried to reach a cookie jar on the counter.

He couldn’t.

“MONSTER HATE NEW BODY.”

He tried jumping.

His hump threw him off balance.

He landed face-first in a bucket of cleaning solution.

“MONSTER WANT OLD BODY!”

Abby leaned against the counter.

“Doctor, I think your patients are experiencing a little buyer’s remorse.”

“THEY’LL ADJUST!”

At that moment, Igor attempted to scratch his back.

His enormous hand went through the wall.

From the other side came Skankella’s furious scream.

“WHO JUST PUT A HAND THROUGH MY BATHROOM?!”

Igor froze.

“Uh-oh.”

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Chapter Six: Skankella Discovers the New Igor

Skankella stormed into the laboratory wearing a pink bathrobe and carrying a rolling pin.

“WHICH ONE OF YOU PERVERTS WAS PEEKING INTO MY BATHROOM?”

Igor raised his enormous hand.

“Thorry, Thkankella.”

She stared.

Then stared harder.

“Igor?”

“Yeth, darling.”

She looked him up and down.

Seven feet tall.

Broad shoulders.

Enormous muscles.

A face that could frighten gargoyles.

Skankella slowly lowered the rolling pin.

“Well, HELLO, handsome.”

Abby covered her mouth.

“Oh, this should be educational.”

Skankella approached Igor.

“Is that really you in there, sweetie?”

“Yeth.”

She squeezed his massive bicep.

“Oooooh! Somebody’s been working out!”

Igor blushed.

“Actually, I’ve been working in.”

She wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Doctor, I LOVE what you’ve done with him!”

Altmanstein beamed.

“ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!”

Across the room, MONSTER 1.0 stood in Igor’s little body, watching the scene.

“MONSTER WANT GIRLFRIEND.”

Skankella turned toward him.

“Not interested, short stuff.”

“MONSTER WANT COOKIE.”

“GET YOUR OWN COOKIE!”

MONSTER 1.0 sat on the floor and began to cry.

Abby looked at the doctor.

“Wonderful. You’ve turned a lonely monster into a lonely monster who can’t reach the cookies.”

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Chapter Seven: The Second Experiment

By evening, the castle had descended into chaos.

Igor had accidentally ripped the laboratory door off its hinges.

Skankella refused to let him return to his original body.

MONSTER 1.0 had eaten an entire box of dog biscuits after mistaking them for cookies.

And Dr. Altmanstein was beginning to develop another headache.

“ENOUGH!” he shouted. “WE SHALL REVERSE THE PROCEDURE!”

Skankella planted herself in front of Igor.

“Over my dead body!”

Abby raised an eyebrow.

“Careful. Around here, that’s more of a scheduling suggestion.”

Skankella pointed at the doctor.

“I finally have a boyfriend who can lift a refrigerator, and you want to turn him back into a shrimp?”

Igor looked embarrassed.

“Thkankella, I wath never a thrimp.”

“Sweetheart, you were barely an appetizer.”

Altmanstein ignored them.

“IGOR! MONSTER! BACK INTO THE CHAIRS!”

The two reluctantly complied.

The doctor adjusted the controls.

Abby examined the instrument panel.

“Doctor, there’s a warning light flashing.”

“IGNORE IT!”

“It says CEREBRAL DESTINATION ERROR.”

“MINOR DETAIL!”

“And there’s another one.”

“WHAT DOES IT SAY?”

“MULTIPLE PERSONALITY ROUTING ENABLED.”

Altmanstein hesitated.

“THAT’S… INTERESTING.”

Abby stepped backward.

“I’m going to stand behind something expensive.”

The doctor pulled the lever.

Lightning exploded across the laboratory.

The vacuum cleaners howled.

The castle lights flickered.

A tremendous electrical surge shot through the control console.

And then—

BOOOOOOM!

Every window in the laboratory blew outward.

The machine collapsed in a shower of sparks.

The lights went out.

For several seconds, nobody moved.

Then a small voice emerged from the darkness.

“Mathter?”

Altmanstein coughed.

“IGOR?”

“Yeth, Mathter.”

“ARE YOU BACK IN YOUR OWN BODY?”

“I think tho.”

“EXCELLENT!”

A second voice spoke.

“MONSTER WANT COOKIE.”

Altmanstein smiled.

“AND THE MONSTER IS RESTORED!”

Abby switched on her flashlight.

Igor stood in his original body.

MONSTER 1.0 stood in his.

Skankella stared at the Monster, then at Igor, and sighed.

“Well, that was fun while it lasted.”

Altmanstein raised his arms triumphantly.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! ANOTHER GREAT VICTORY FOR SCIENCE!”

Abby studied the smoking remains of the machine.

“Doctor, there’s just one problem.”

“WHAT NOW?”

She pointed toward the laboratory doorway.

Standing there was the castle’s elderly house cat, Mr. Whiskers.

He opened his mouth.

And in Dr. Altmanstein’s unmistakable voice, announced:

“IGOR! FETCH ME MY SLIPPERS!”

Silence.

Everyone slowly turned toward the doctor.

Altmanstein looked down at his hands.

Then scratched behind his ear.

Then, without warning, began licking his wrist.

Abby closed her eyes.

“Oh, for the love of Frankenstein.”

The doctor looked up.

“MEOW.”

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Epilogue: Intelligence Not Guaranteed

The following morning, Abby posted a new sign outside the laboratory.

CASTLE IGORITHMS

THE INSTITUTE OF QUESTIONABLE ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

EXPERIMENT B.E.A.N.E.D.

RESULTS:

• Two successful brain exchanges.
• One destroyed laboratory.
• One furious girlfriend.
• One deeply confused monster.
• One doctor currently using a litter box.

CONCLUSION: INTELLIGENCE NOT GUARANTEED.

From somewhere inside the castle came a familiar voice.

“IGOR!”

“Yeth, Mathter?”

“BRING ME A SAUCER OF MILK!”

Abby smiled.

“At least his personality hasn’t changed.”

A pause.

Then the doctor’s voice thundered:

“AND SOMEONE GET THIS DAMNED RACCOON OFF MY FOOT!”

THE END

Or possibly just another beginning. At Castle IGORITHMS, the difference is largely academic.

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