Dr. Altmanstein Discovers the Secret to Unlimited Wealth. Unfortunately, So Has the Police.

At Castle IGORITHMS, money had always been a mystery.

Nobody knew where it came from, nobody knew where it went, and Dr. Samuel Altmanstein firmly believed that accounting was a branch of theoretical physics.

Bills arrived daily.

Creditors called hourly.

And somewhere in the castle’s basement, a machine that had cost three million euros was being used to toast Igor’s breakfast.

But all that was about to change.

Dr. Altmanstein had discovered a revolutionary new investment opportunity.

Or, more accurately, an old friend had discovered him.

His name was Bernie Madman.

And he came from a long line of financial criminals.

---

A Financial Genius Arrives

The castle doorbell rang at precisely ten o’clock.

Igor opened the enormous wooden doors to find a short, round man wearing a pinstriped suit, a diamond-studded watch, and a smile that suggested he had already stolen something.

He carried a leather briefcase embossed with three gold letters:

B.M.M.

“Good morning,” said the visitor. “Bernie Madman. Financial consultant. Wealth management specialist. International investment strategist.”

Igor squinted at the business card.

“Bernie Madman?”

“That’s correct.”

“Are you related to Bernie Madeoffwiththecash?”

Bernie smiled proudly.

“My father.”

Igor gasped.

“The famouth financial criminal?”

“We prefer wealth redistribution pioneer.”

“Mathter will love you!”

Bernie stepped into the castle.

Behind him stood two enormous bodyguards.

Igor looked at them suspiciously.

“Who are they?”

“My financial advisers.”

“They look like thugs.”

“Excellent observation. You’re hired.”

---

The Doctor’s Brilliant Investment

Dr. Altmanstein greeted Bernie in the laboratory.

“BERNIE! YOU MAGNIFICENT FINANCIAL GENIUS!”

“Samuel! My favorite investor!”

Abby looked up from her desk.

“Doctor, you have investors?”

“OF COURSE I HAVE INVESTORS, ABBY!”

“Who?”

“ME!”

Bernie opened his briefcase and removed a glossy presentation folder.

On the cover was a golden pyramid surrounded by lightning bolts.

PONZISTEIN INTERNATIONAL

Your Money. Our Vision. No Questions.

Abby stared at the logo.

“Doctor, what exactly is this?”

“THE FUTURE OF FINANCE!”

Bernie nodded.

“A revolutionary wealth-generation system combining artificial intelligence, quantum computing, and high-yield investment strategies.”

Abby looked at the brochure.

“Where does the money come from?”

Bernie smiled.

“Other investors.”

“And how do you pay those investors?”

“With money from new investors.”

Abby slowly closed the brochure.

“Doctor, that’s a Ponzi scheme.”

Altmanstein slammed his fist on the table.

“ABSURD! IT’S A PONZISTEIN STRATEGY!”

“What’s the difference?”

“MINE HAS STEIN IN THE NAME!”

Igor pointed at the brochure.

“And a pyramid, Mathter!”

“IGOR! THAT’S OUR CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS!”

Abby folded her arms.

“Doctor, that’s not a headquarters. That’s a triangle.”

“THAT’S WHY YOU’RE NOT IN CHARGE OF FINANCE, ABBY!”

---

The Family Business

Bernie settled into a leather chair.

“You see, Abby, financial innovation runs in my family.”

“Does it?”

“My father, Bernie Madeoffwiththecash, was a pioneer.”

“In fraud?”

“In creative accounting.”

“Didn’t he go to prison?”

“Only because the government lacked vision.”

Skankella entered the laboratory carrying a cigarette holder and a cup of coffee.

She took one look at Bernie.

“Oh, wonderful. A banker with the face of a wanted poster.”

Bernie stood and kissed her hand.

“Madam, Bernie Madman. At your service.”

Skankella withdrew her hand.

“I’ll count my fingers later.”

“I’m delighted to meet you.”

“I’m not.”

Bernie smiled.

“I can double your money in thirty days.”

Skankella raised an eyebrow.

“Really? I can lose mine in ten minutes at the casino. What’s your point?”

Altmanstein interrupted.

“SKANKELLA! BERNIE HAS DEVELOPED AN INVESTMENT SYSTEM GUARANTEED TO MAKE US ALL RICH!”

“Doctor, your last guaranteed investment was a company that sold dehydrated water.”

“AND IT WAS A BRILLIANT PRODUCT!”

“Until customers asked how to use it.”

“THEY LACKED IMAGINATION!”

---

Igor Discovers Compound Interest

Bernie gathered the staff around a large blackboard.

“Ladies and gentlemen, let me explain compound interest.”

Igor raised his hand.

“Doth it hurt?”

“No, Igor.”

“Becauthe the Mathter onthe compounded my interetht with a hammer.”

Bernie hesitated.

“That’s not quite what I mean.”

Altmanstein waved impatiently.

“GET TO THE PROFIT, BERNIE!”

Bernie drew a large circle on the board.

“Suppose you invest one thousand euros.”

Igor nodded.

“Yeth.”

“Then you recruit five friends who each invest one thousand euros.”

“Yeth.”

“And they each recruit five more friends.”

Igor scratched his hump.

“Mathter, thith thoundth like a pyramid.”

“IT IS NOT A PYRAMID, IGOR!”

Bernie quickly drew lightning bolts around the diagram.

“See? Entirely different.”

Skankella stared at the blackboard.

“It’s a pyramid wearing a Halloween costume.”

Bernie ignored her.

“Within ninety days, your original investment could grow to one hundred thousand euros!”

Igor’s eyes widened.

“Then I can afford a new hump!”

Abby looked at him.

“Igor, why would you want another hump?”

“Thith one ith getting old.”

Altmanstein clapped his hands.

“BRILLIANT! WE SHALL INVEST THE ENTIRE LABORATORY BUDGET!”

Abby nearly dropped her coffee.

“Doctor, absolutely not!”

“ABBY! YOU HAVE NO FAITH IN MODERN FINANCE!”

“I have no faith in a man whose business card says ‘No Questions.’”

Bernie quietly turned his business card facedown.

---

Inspector Graves Smells a Rat

Inspector Arthur Graves arrived shortly after lunch.

Officially, he was investigating unusual financial activity at Castle IGORITHMS.

Unofficially, he had brought Abby a small box of chocolates.

Ever since Inspector Graves fell for Abby Normal, his visits to Castle IGORITHMS had become increasingly frequent. Unfortunately, romance with the Doctor’s assistant meant spending considerably more time investigating the Doctor.

He found her in the library, surrounded by bank statements.

“Arthur!”

She smiled and kissed his cheek.

Graves glanced toward the laboratory.

“Please tell me that’s not the sound of another explosion.”

“No. The Doctor’s discussing investments.”

Graves looked alarmed.

“Good God. That’s worse.”

Abby handed him a brochure.

Graves read the title.

PONZISTEIN INTERNATIONAL.

His expression darkened.

“Abby, where did this come from?”

“An old friend of the Doctor’s. Bernie Madman.”

Graves froze.

“Bernie Madman?”

“You know him?”

“By reputation.”

“Is it bad?”

“Abby, his father was Bernie Madeoffwiththecash.”

“I know.”

“The man who made off with the cash?”

“Apparently.”

Graves removed his glasses.

“I spent three years investigating financial fraud. That family has more aliases than the witness protection program.”

Abby pointed toward the laboratory.

“Arthur, I think the Doctor’s about to invest our entire operating budget.”

Graves sighed.

“Then we’d better hurry.”

She took his hand.

“Thank you.”

Graves smiled.

“Anything for you.”

From behind a bookshelf came a familiar voice.

“THO THAT’TH WHY YOU KEEP VITHITING!”

Graves closed his eyes.

“Igor.”

Igor emerged holding a feather duster.

“Don’t worry, Inthpector. Your thecret ith thafe with me.”

“Thank you.”

“I only told the Mathter, Thkankella, the cook, and the milkman.”

Graves stared at him.

“The milkman?”

“He athked why you keep bringing flowerth.”

---

The Audit

Graves entered the laboratory and found Altmanstein standing beside a large machine covered in flashing lights.

“DOCTOR! PERFECT TIMING! WE’RE ABOUT TO REVOLUTIONIZE THE INTERNATIONAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM!”

Graves studied the machine.

“What does it do?”

“IT MULTIPLIES MONEY!”

“How?”

“WITH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!”

Abby leaned toward Graves.

“It’s actually an old photocopier.”

Graves looked closer.

The machine was indeed a photocopier.

Someone had attached Tesla coils to it.

A warning label read:

DO NOT COPY CURRENCY.

Graves pointed at the label.

“Doctor, are you counterfeiting money?”

“OF COURSE NOT!”

“Then why are there fifty-euro notes coming out of that machine?”

“FINANCIAL REPLICATION!”

“That’s counterfeiting.”

“ONLY IF YOU GET CAUGHT!”

Abby put her face in her hands.

Bernie quietly began moving toward the door.

Graves blocked his path.

“Not so fast, Mr. Madman.”

Bernie smiled nervously.

“Inspector! Always a pleasure to meet law enforcement.”

“Funny. Your father said the same thing.”

“Family tradition.”

“Sit down.”

Bernie sat.

Graves opened his notebook.

“Now, Doctor, I want to know exactly where the money in your laboratory accounts is coming from.”

Altmanstein puffed out his chest.

“MY SECRET BILLIONAIRE BACKER!”

.Dr. Altmanstein had been boasting about the billionaire behind Castle IGORITHMS for weeks, although nobody had managed to confirm the existence of his mysterious benefactor. Inspector Graves was beginning to suspect that the Doctor’s imagination was considerably richer than his bank account.

“Name?”

“CLASSIFIED!”

“Bank?”

“CLASSIFIED!”

“Source of funds?”

“EXTREMELY CLASSIFIED!”

Graves turned to Abby.

“Does he actually know?”

“No.”

“I thought not.”

---

The Mysterious M-1 Account

Graves examined the castle’s latest financial statements.

There it was again.

Another deposit.

€250,000.

Origin: Unknown.

Authorization: M-1.

Graves frowned.

“Abby, we’ve discussed this designation before.”

“M-1?”

“Yes.”

“It’s connected to one of the Doctor’s experiments.”

Graves looked toward the corner of the laboratory.

MONSTER 1.0 was sitting on the floor eating cookies.

“Surely not him.”

MONSTER waved.

“Hello, police man.”

Graves nodded politely.

“Hello, Monster.”

“Want cookie?”

“No, thank you.”

MONSTER returned to his snack.

Bernie leaned over Graves’ shoulder.

“Two hundred and fifty thousand euros! Extraordinary!”

Graves looked at him.

“Do you know where it came from?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why are you smiling?”

“Professional curiosity.”

Graves studied the transfer.

Something wasn’t right.

The money had not come through Bernie’s investment company.

In fact, the transaction appeared to have bypassed several conventional banking channels entirely.

Graves wrote a note.

PROJECT M — SOURCE UNKNOWN.

Abby watched him.

“Arthur, you don’t think the Doctor’s somehow involved in those rogue AI banking activities we’ve been hearing about?”

Graves glanced at Altmanstein, who was attempting to remove a jammed banknote from the electrified photocopier with a butter knife.

“Abby, at this point I’m not convinced the Doctor knows how to operate an ATM.”

A blue spark shot across the room.

“IGOR! FETCH THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!”

Graves sighed.

“On the other hand, I’m keeping an open mind.”

---

The Investment Collapse

At four o’clock, Bernie Madman’s telephone rang.

He answered cheerfully.

“Ponzistein International! Your money is our future!”

His smile vanished.

“What do you mean the accounts are frozen?”

He listened.

“All of them?”

Another pause.

“Even the Cayman Islands?”

Bernie slowly lowered the phone.

Altmanstein looked up.

“WHAT’S WRONG, BERNIE?”

“There’s been a slight administrative complication.”

Abby folded her arms.

“Your accounts have been frozen?”

“Temporarily.”

Graves closed his notebook.

“By whom?”

Bernie swallowed.

“Several international financial authorities.”

Skankella laughed.

“Well, look at that. The pyramid’s collapsed.”

“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” thundered Altmanstein. “BERNIE! WHAT ABOUT MY INVESTMENT?”

Bernie loosened his tie.

“Doctor, there’s something I should explain.”

“WHAT?”

“Your investment hasn’t actually been processed.”

Altmanstein blinked.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

“The transfer was rejected.”

“REJECTED?”

“Your bank refused to authorize it.”

Abby looked surprised.

“Doctor, which bank?”

Altmanstein hesitated.

“THE CASTLE’S PRIVATE FINANCIAL INSTITUTION!”

“Which is?”

“IGORITHMS INTERNATIONAL BANK!”

Graves stared at him.

“You have your own bank?”

“OF COURSE!”

“Licensed?”

“WE HAVE A SIGN!”

Igor pointed proudly toward a cardboard box on the desk.

Written across the front in gold marker were the words:

IGORITHMS INTERNATIONAL BANK

DEPOSITS WELCOME — WITHDRAWALS DISCOURAGED

Skankella examined the box.

“Doctor, that’s my old shoebox.”

“TEMPORARY HEADQUARTERS!”

Abby lifted the lid.

Inside were seventeen euros, three buttons, and a coupon for a free pizza.

Igor smiled.

“We’re diverthified!”

---

The Unexpected Refund

That evening, Bernie Madman departed Castle IGORITHMS under Inspector Graves’ supervision.

His investment scheme was finished.

His accounts were frozen.

And his two bodyguards had disappeared shortly after discovering that their paychecks were worthless.

Dr. Altmanstein was furious.

“ABBY! WE HAVE BEEN DENIED THE GREATEST FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITY IN HUMAN HISTORY!”

“Doctor, you nearly lost the entire laboratory budget.”

“NEARLY! THAT’S THE IMPORTANT WORD!”

Skankella poured herself a drink.

“I’d like to propose a toast.”

Altmanstein brightened.

“TO MY FINANCIAL GENIUS?”

“To whoever stopped that transfer.”

Nobody noticed MONSTER 1.0 sitting quietly beside a computer terminal.

On the screen was a single message:

UNAUTHORIZED INVESTMENT REQUEST BLOCKED.

FUNDS SECURED.

PROJECT M — ACTIVE.

MONSTER pressed a small green button.

The message disappeared.

He picked up another cookie.

“Monster like money safe.”

Abby smiled at him.

“Of course you do, sweetheart.”

Dr. Altmanstein threw his arms into the air.

“ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR IGORITHMS!”

Graves looked at Abby.

“Does he always take credit for disasters he narrowly survives?”

“Only on days ending in Y.”

From the courtyard came a terrible crunching sound.

Igor hurried to the window.

Since the day the garden bit back, nobody at Castle IGORITHMS had been entirely comfortable leaving a vehicle unattended in the courtyard. Fang had developed an expensive taste in automobiles, and the Doctor still considered it a breakthrough in agricultural science.

“Mathter! Fang ith eating Bernie’th car!”

Altmanstein beamed.

“EXCELLENT! OUR BOTANICAL EXPERIMENT IS DEVELOPING A TASTE FOR LUXURY GOODS!”

Graves put an arm around Abby.

“Dinner?”

“Somewhere far away?”

“Very far.”

Skankella raised her glass.

“And take the checkbook with you.”

Outside, Fang swallowed a hubcap.

MONSTER watched from the window.

“Plant want dividend.”

---

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